Saturday, June 5, 2010

In Which Your Humble Narrator Employs the Best Method of Naming Children Ever

Sorry about the hiatus, folks; for a while I was working on building a magnificent sim-lodge instead of playing with Addie and family. It's a really good lodge, though. I'll show it to you sometime.

Anyway, back to the story at hand. Little Eddie has grown into a strapping young lad, and I managed to catch the glitter and sparkles that accompany aging:

Oh oh, it's magic!

If aging came with glitter and sparkles in real life, people might not get so upset about it.

On top of that, Addie is pregnant again!

Um, Addie, I know that when you were a little girl you'd pretend a teddy bear was your baby, but that's not what's actually going to come out of you in nine months.

Young Eddie is Excitable, Lucky, and Athletic, though you might not know it from this picture:

I don't know if it's because Addie is so Athletic herself, or what, but she REALLY whips that football at the poor boy. Nine times out of ten, it would bounce off his head at record speeds instead of landing securely in his hands. I watched her pummel him with the ball for a good hour or so. And I laughed every time. During this interaction, Eddie's Social satisfaction meter actually went down. I guess getting beat by your pregnant mom at sports doesn't exactly ramp up your self esteem.

"Haha, whoops! Sorry I Marsha Brady-ed you."

Life is still pretty boring for these guys. Eddie goes to school and does his homework. Addie goes to work and works from home. Toby alternates between cleaning the house and watching TV. Eddie has a little friend named Liza, and I'm already sizing her up as a potential romantic match. It took so freakin' long to find someone for Addie, and I don't want to go through that grueling process again.

And so life continues, until one day Addie is leaving the spa after getting a four-hour massage -- seriously -- and goes into labor on the sidewalk.

Her face says "AGH," but her thought bubble says "I'M ON AMPHETAMINES."

See that girl there? She just happened to be walking by. Do you know what her name is? I will tell you what her name is. Her name is Leia Ursine. Does the name Ursine ring a bell? IT SHOULD. Apparently stalking Addie is an Ursine family tradition now.

The game is telling me to either send Addie home or get her to the hospital so she can have the baby safely. I'm curious what will happen if I send her to neither of those places -- will she have the baby dangerously? -- so I sit and watch Addie huff and puff and claw at her womb for about four hours. What? It was an experiment. I have a scientific mind. If you disagree with my practices, you clearly hate science and oppose progress. After those four hours of agony, she gave up on waiting for me to do something and walked the approximately one hundred feet to the hospital, where she gave birth to a baby boy. I was hoping for a girl, but whatever.

Crap, now I have to think of a name. I was not planning ahead on this one. Looking around the room for inspiration... Aha! I will name him after someone from one of the DVDs on the shelf above my computer. Let's see... Ron Burgundy? Nah. Francesco? Gnaghi? Too foreign-sounding, and besides I don't want this kid's namesake to be a fat, bald, retarded sidekick. They already have a kid named Eddie, so the Eddie Izzard DVD is out. And as tempting as it would be to name a kid Snake, I'll have to pass on Escape from New York. Zaphod, Arthur, Ford -- too weird, boring, and weird again. I already know someone who named their kid Jareth, so that would be weird. I can't remember the main character's name from Man With the Screaming Brain; I could just name him Bruce, but despite the uncanny number of awesome celebrities named Bruce, I'm not fond of the name itself. I am NOT naming a child, even a sim child, Pickles, Toki, or Skwisgaar. William isn't a bad name, but I won't name him after William Murderface for fear of what he may turn into. Nathan, though... Nathan is a nice name. We'll go with that. And in the spirit of his namesake, I'll make his first two traits Virtuoso and Loner.

Nathan looks exactly like Eddie so far. Tan skin, black hair, green eyes. If you want to know what Nathan's toddlerhood was like, just go back to Eddie's childhood photo montage and replace all instances of "Eddie" with "Nathan."

This is Eddie's friend Liza. She came home with him after school, and I had the option to have him "Reveal Secret" to her. Apparently the secret was about quills and ink! What was the secret?! AGH IT'S KILLING ME.

Addie, meanwhile, wants to have ANOTHER baby. Jeeze, lady! Well, you better get on it, because Toby is gettin' up there in age. Pretty soon he won't be able to get it up there in his pants. Addie pounces on Toby and they make sweet woohoo, but I don't hear the magical chimes signifying a conception. Troubling!

Immediately afterward, it's Toby's birthday -- the game has been warning me about this for days, but I've been putting it off for as long as possible. It's time for Toby to age into -- wait a second. Age into... an adult? You mean he wasn't an adult this whole time? He was a YOUNG adult? Addie's dating a younger man? Addie, you cougar! I need to pay more attention. Well, this is good news. Now they can have a million more babies if Addie desires. But they're going to need a bigger house.


  1. OH MY GOD.

    "Sorry I Marsha Brady-ed you." -casual shrug-