Saturday, May 22, 2010

Toby and the Interesting Development

Addie is depressed.

She spends her free time moping around at home and pigging out, and at work she pushes herself as hard as possible. It paid off in the form of a promotion, as if she didn't have enough of those.

One day after work she hits the gym since her employers have been pushing her to be even MORE physically fit. She's so athletic that twice now she's gotten calls from her old contacts in the Athlete career, begging for her to come back and be an athlete again. Too bad, suckas. She belongs to the badge now.

While at the gym, she glances at the swimming pool area, and GASP. WHAT IS THIS SHE SEES? Could it be... an eligible bachelor? She watches him climb out of the pool, then goes to chat him up.

Things are going swimmingly. His name is Toby Newby, and he's Neat, Over-Emotional, and a Couch Potato. Well... hey, you're not perfect either. "So," she asks coyly, "are you single?"

Turns out he isn't. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They had such a connection, too! Addie is going to die having had sex only one time in her entire life. With a fat, slobby loser. THE HORROR. Our heroine returns home feeling very discouraged.

The next day, she just can't stop thinking about Toby. It's her day off, so she invites him over. Wife or girlfriend be damned. She was actually at the gym with Toby when Addie met him, and she looked like a blonde bitch anyway. To hell with her.

So Addie invites Toby over, and then, completely of her own volition, puts on some sweet R&B tunes and answers the door in her underwear.

If that doesn't send Toby a clear message, I don't know what SWEET JESUS WHAT IS HE WEARING. Those are purple and black vertically striped pants. And they have suspenders. With a yellow and red -- heeeey. That's the same shirt Derik wore! This is weird.

Whatever. Addie's desperate. Toby is the first remotely attractive man she's seen in years, even if he is a little chubby, even if he does have glaring personality flaws, even if he goes out in public wearing -- *shudder* -- that. And he seems to be into her.

He follows her into her house and they get to talking. Addie puts on the moves. First she compliments his personality, then his appearance. Then she tells him a flirtatious joke. Then she straight-up flirts with him. Smooth, right?


Aww yeah, massage time. He's clearly appreciating her affections, single or not. One thing leads to another, and Addie goes in for the kill. But wait! Toby protests. He doesn't want to cheat on his wife. Or girlfriend. Lauren, I think it was. He doesn't want to cheat on Lauren. Flirting is all fun and games, but extramarital sex is another story. Twice she tries to get him into her bed, and twice he turns her down.

So Addie, in a move that makes me both proud and disgusted, convinces Toby to break up with Lauren. Admittedly, it doesn't take much convincing; basically she suggest it and he pipes up, "Okay! Lauren and I are over." Now get into my bed, says Addie, and this time he listens.

Woohoo! They woohooed.

Ugh, this GUY.

Having had her way with him, Addie politely shoos him out of her house. Okay, it's been fun, see ya later! I'll call ya sometime.

Satisfied, at least for the time being, Addie returns to the daily grind. She's promoted to "Triple Agent," which sounds like a brand of dishwasher soap. She's just one promotion away from the top level of the Secret Agent branch of the Law Enforcement career.

But something's not right. She wakes up in the middle of the night to throw up for no reason. And she keeps thinking about baby bottles. Then her pants get snug in the waist.

It's time to have a talk with Toby.

He takes it surprisingly well. His reaction:

Yes, he double fist-pumped. Then he even gave her a "good job" pat on the arm and gave her a thumbs up and a wink. I missed it the first time, but later I got another opportunity to photograph this great expression:

I don't think you can expect a better reaction from a guy when you tell him you're pregnant with his child.

Toby agrees to help Addie throughout the pregnancy and be a part of the child's life. He really is a good guy. At least Addie got knocked up by an honorable dude. We'll just forget the part where he left his wife and teenage daughter to fool around with Addie. That's not important now. What's important is


By the way, I find it amusing that Woohooing with Toby gives fewer Lifetime Happiness points than spending $400 at the spa (350 points versus 750). You know women! They hate sex and love pedicures.

*I've observed that this is the usual reaction of a female human to the notion of their own species' young (and many other species' young, for that matter). I thought I should keep up appearances if I'm going to keep blending in with you people.

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